The scene is all too familiar: a family gathers for a special occasion. Family members travel near and far to share a meal, exchange gifts, or simply enjoy each other’s company. Yet when the moment comes—when everyone is finally in the same room—many faces are glued to phones or computer screens. For those yearning for connection, the sight is disheartening. Attempts at conversation are often met with hurried nods, vague acknowledgments, or, worse, no response at all.
It’s easy to chalk this up to rudeness or a lack of social tact. But the reality is more nuanced. Often, this behavior isn’t intentional. Technology has become such an integral part of our lives that stepping away—even in the company of loved ones—can feel stressful, even unnatural. Teens, in particular, face this struggle as they navigate social media, video games, and the myriad ways they communicate digitally rather than face-to-face.
As someone who works with children and teens for a living, I see this behavior often. I understand the psychological tension underlying it, and I empathize with why it can be so hard to pull away. That said, there’s a time and place for everything. And what better time to learn the art of balancing technology with connection than during adolescence?
Why Does This Happen?
Excessive technology use in teens makes sense when you look at it through a psychological lens. Teens are wired to seek connection, and during this stage of life, their primary focus is often their friends. They fulfill this need for belonging through interactions that feel meaningful to them, and today, those interactions largely happen online.
For instance, video games provide more than just entertainment—they offer a sense of accomplishment and a social component through teamwork or friendly competition. Social media, on the other hand, delivers quick confidence boosts through likes, comments, and the culture of immediacy that comes with it. Responding instantly to messages from friends signals importance and strengthens social bonds, but it also creates pressure to stay glued to their devices. It’s a complicated dynamic, and I get it.
While it’s important to empathize with teens’ reliance on technology, it’s equally important to set boundaries. Understanding the “why” behind their behavior allows families to strike a balance—one that respects teens’ need for connection with their friends while also prioritizing meaningful, face-to-face time with loved ones.
Finding the Middle Ground: Practical Tips for Families
Let’s face it: asking a teenager to put down their phone can sometimes feel like asking them to give up their favorite hoodie—it’s not going to happen without resistance. Technology has an almost magnetic hold, but with the right strategies—and maybe a dash of humor—you can foster connection without resorting to drastic measures like confiscating devices at the door. Here are a few practical ways to strike a balance:
- Set Boundaries Ahead of Time
Clear expectations make all the difference. Before gatherings, let teens know when and where technology will be off-limits, such as during meals, family games, or specific group activities. Frame these boundaries in a way that emphasizes connection: “We’re looking forward to spending this time together, so let’s make it screen-free.” Giving teens advance notice and explaining the reasons behind the limits helps them feel respected and prepared to unplug. - Model the Behavior You Want to See
Teens are like tech-savvy detectives—they’ll instantly spot hypocrisy. If you’re glued to your phone while asking them to engage, you’re setting yourself up for an eye roll or two. Lead by example: put your phone down, be present, and show that face-to-face interaction is just as fulfilling (and way less battery-dependent). Bonus points if you can resist the urge to check it “just for a second.” - Celebrate Small Wins
Let’s be honest—getting your teen to willingly put down their phone, even for a moment, is basically a parenting gold medal. Celebrate the victories, no matter how small. Whether it’s joining a conversation, laughing during a family game, or simply showing up to dinner without earbuds in, let them know it means something. Positive reinforcement goes a long way and might even make them feel good about their efforts to connect.
Wrapping It Up: Connection Over Perfection
At the heart of every family gathering is the desire to connect, create memories, and enjoy each other’s company. Technology can feel like a barrier, but it doesn’t have to take over. By setting clear expectations, leading by example, and celebrating small wins, families can find a balance that works for everyone.
It’s not about being perfect or banning technology completely—it’s about making space for real moments together. These small changes can have a big impact, creating meaningful interactions that teens and adults will remember long after the leftovers are gone.
With a little empathy, humor, and compromise, we can remind the teens in our lives—and ourselves—that no game, text, or notification is better than truly connecting with the people in front of us.
Dr. Vanegas is a licensed psychologist and registered PSYPACT provider offering telehealth sessions in over 40 states. Contact Dr. Vanegas at https://asecurebase.net/contact/ for a free 10-minute consultation. We can’t wait to hear from you!
